I don’t love a lot of things. Recently somebody ended a mutually frustrating conversation by asking me, “so what are you excited about?” Apathy could easily be one of my defining characteristics: from world events to my own personal life… I may have opinions but I don’t feel excitement or anything near passion for most of the information that I encounter in my day-to-day life.
There’s an undeniable causation-correlation connection between what you’re good at and what you actually enjoy. It’s difficult not to have fun being good at something. I spent my childhood and a large proportion of my teenage years thinking that I loved Maths but once it got hard, when it actually became work, my love for the subject mysteriously diminished. Writing and I have a love-hate relationship (when I have an idea life is swell but if I’m actively trying to come up with an idea I hate everything) but amongst all of that confusion and uncertainty and apathy there has been one constant for me: stories.
I love to experience stories coming to life. Since I could, I’ve read every book that I could possibly get my hands on. My personal library is now proving to be a struggle to shelve but how can I throw away peoples’ stories? I was obsessed with TV series and I would learn everything that I could about characters and actors. I wanted to know how an idea in somebody’s head became something that I could watch and could make me think about things – learn and truly care about issues and problems that have nothing to do with my own life.
Film has been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. Cinema: my true love. Movies were everything to me growing up and I never thought about watching films as anything less than a mandatory part of my experience on this planet. My mum loved movies and I loved my mum so I went everywhere with her and half of our destinations were the cinema. At home we would watch TV together and I would more or less just watch whatever she watched. With the exception of some shows that I could and will never enjoy (I’m looking at you Charmed) she introduced me to movies that my child self would never have watched because they looked old or they were for grown-ups or they were scary.
Thanks to my mum I grew up loving classic cinema and modern cinema the same, but then I reached a point where being a spectator wasn’t enough. I’m not good at just watching: I always want to be involved and that was where I got stuck. Accessing Hollywood: how does a college student from Kent do that? Sure, I read Empire, I follow the Hollywood Reporter but there is a distinct feeling of there being two sides – a Trumpian wall, if you will – and I’m desperately trying to get to the other side but I can’t.
I don’t want to be an actress – I can’t even deliver an oral presentation to a room of four people without falling apart. The idea of fame is just as terrifying to me as the idea of inadequacy. I just want to be a part of it.
That’s why I began writing this blog, or should I say website? I don’t know anymore: I used to have an upload schedule and I used to have this regimented style of content but that isn’t working for me anymore. I want to actually say something. Whilst I enjoyed writing up the news four times a week and some people would read it, I got to a point where I realised that I wasn’t adding anything to the existing dialogue. Understand: you can write up the news and add something to the conversation but that isn’t what I was doing.
I haven’t written many reviews recently because I have temporarily relocated to the other side of the country and it is too difficult to get affordable cinema tickets this close to Central London. Also, I feel like a fraud when I write reviews. I usually praise the movies and shows that I choose to watch and it really just feels like I’m reigning in the stream of joyful consciousness that would typically be expressed as an excited conversation. Then if I don’t like a film I don’t know how to write that. Millions of pounds and thousands of man hours go into producing this piece of work and there is no way that every person on that movie did a bad job. I don’t know how to fully, truthfully dissect a piece of work so I have to write broadly and it isn’t fair – I haven’t made a movie. They’re better than anything that I could make so how can I sit behind a screen and insult what they’ve done?
Throughout this summer I have gone over what I’m doing with this website again and again – I thought about just stopping or deleting it but I can’t. I keep getting drawn back in: last week it was the Hollywood Reporter roundtables, then it was San Diego Comic Con and Nerd HQ – they inspire me. These people talk about their craft and what they do and I go moon eyed. This world is shitty place, let’s not deny it, but when I go to the cinema I don’t think about that. They tell stories about people that make me laugh and cry and ignite anger and I truly can’t think of anything more beautiful than that.
When I started this site I spent a month planning it – I wanted it to be this incredibly professional website where people who loved films and television like I did could come and read things but also interact and just have a discussion. I’m now acutely aware of the fact that there are hundreds of other locations across that internet where that is possible and those places are much more established and so there are more people to talk to.
In a way, this a vanity project – I could do everything that I do here on another platform where I would reach more people and the title ‘Geek Commentary’ wouldn’t be so ironic because people would leave comments and I could talk to more people. Yet, I’m going to stick it out. I really have no clue what this is anymore – my film and TV blog? The word blog feels more personal than website and that’s what I think that this has to become.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to start doing exactly what I tried to avoid when I spent the month of January planning, I’m winging it. I don’t know where this is going. I just love cinema and TV; I like hearing writers and directors and actors speak; I relish hearing Hollywood news and I just love the history and culture of it all. I don’t know how to become closer to this thing that already takes up so much of my life but if you want, you can watch me figure that out.